Friday, August 04, 2006

Oh Dear, Oh Dear Oh Dear....Ruined.



Love you!

Ok, as much grovelling as I may do, nothing, and I mean nothing is excusable for my lack of updates over the past, erm, 4 months. Even if I had lost both my arms in an horrific accident involving wild goats, I would probably by now have fully functioning prosthetic arms. I'm just a lazy twat.

Love you loads.

As a present...listen to this song: -

You'll like it.

So the big evening show on Hallam FM just got even bigger, going up by 17%. Alright! Ahem, I think you'll find it was the second best percentage increase on the station, not the best, but lets face it, no one likes a show off, so sometimes its better to come second.

I really do love you.

Its quite early in the morning for me this, but that is now because I have a girlfriend, whom for the sake of arguement, we shall call Lady X. Lady X has a real job, so she has to be up at 7.30AM, which in turn wakes me up. I used to cheekily go back to sleep for a few hours when she left the house, but I'm getting used to getting up now, so I normally stay awake, and then do a rubbish show in the evening because I'm fucked (actually, did I say I've got a 17% audience increase? Second highest on the station...beaten by one measly percent...), can't be that bad then.

My love is deeper than an anchor in a shallow pond.

July was good. The warmest July on record, thats why it was good.

June was shit, cos England were shit in the world cup.

Wimbledon was shit, because nobody in England can play tennis.

August is good, because the football season starts, the mighty Barnsley starting life in the Championship. You Reds. The football supplement in News of the World predicted that Barnsley would finish bottom of the table...

I would'nt piss on the journalist who wrote that if he was engulfed in flames.

Gotta go, I need a shower. My pits smell.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Poke him in the eye....

Here I am again, with my tail inbetween my legs, begging for forgiveness like a small boy who's just walloped his Dad full whack in the nuts. I did say I would be more consistent at updating this diary, sorry, blog, and then I realise its been 12 days since my fingers have touched the keyboard. Erm, I'm quite obviously s**t. Talking about s**t have you ever noticed that if you have more than 4 pints of Guinness it seems to coat your insides black, thus making your stools look like coal? Fascinating that, when I drink snake-bite and black I don't crap purple.

Answers on an E-mail please:

There doesn't seem to be much on TV again, but I have ranted once, it does not need to be repeated. I did what Snuff Box earlier on BBC3, that was quite funny, it had the two guys out of legendary comedy, The Mighty Boosh playing the main roles (the American guy who runs the 'zooniverse' and also the other posh speaking English guy who seems to be the American guys boss.....look balls to it, if you don't know what I'm on about, then theres no point in explaining. If you do, then splendid). Snuff Box was quite entertaining, highly surreal, but I did laugh out loud at times, and if I'm being honest there are not many UK comedys that make me chuckle, mainly because the majority are sh*t. Another good comedy that makes me laugh is Peep Show, that series is legendary.

'Illness is a weakness Mark, your off the team'
I think that is a quote that should be in any person of power's vocab. If I was a boss, I'd use it all the time.
Went out for St Paddy's day on Friday with the boys, I was mortalled. Details of the night are hazy, but I did knock out some good shapes in Reflex in Sheffield. It tokk me back to re-living the 80's, even though my maximum age was 6 by the time the eighties were over.
Saturday was a write off. I eventually recovered at about 8pm, but I was still a bit stinking. I managed a few pints, but not many. Then on Sunday I got back on the Guinness again, so now I'm back to sqaure one, passing jet black stools into the water closet. Nice.
Today I went to the gym, but unfortunately I couldn't go anywhere other than the pool as I had forgot to take a T-shirt with me. I did actually know this when I put my gym clothes into the back of the car, as I thought I had left a T-shirt in the boot, but there was not one there. I decided not to go back into the house and get one, as this was a genuine excuse to stop me being bored to death of a treadmill for 20 minutes. When I got to the gym, I pretended that I did'nt know about the T-shirt situation, so I did the whole; 'Oh damn I have forgot a T-shirt, that means I'll just have to go for a swim'. Heh heh, worked a treat. I still did 40 lengths of the pool though, but I feel I'm not professional enough yet to wear dark goggles and a swimming cap like the other posing c**ts. Saying that though, there were 2 people who I spotted getting quite intimate. They were obviously students and did'nt care that there were 60 / 70 years olds in the pool, they were still heavily petting. Disgusting behaviour. It's times like that when I wish I did have goggles so I could have a look under the water to see if their hips were gyrating. Not that I'm a perv, but it would have been funny if the lifeguard whistled them out for being naughty, and this guy had a massive boner on.
Right, thats enough random thoughts, I'm off to bite my nails.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006


Here I am sat at home, in front of the TV, and I have to say it is truly appaling. How many channels do I have? About 500? Anything good on them? Is there f**k. When I move into my own house there is no way that 50 pounds of my hard earned cash is going to fill the pocket of Rupert Murdoch every month. I know, lets show constant repeats of TV shows that were shit in the first place. The only channels worth watching are E4 / BBC 3 / MTV (all original) and Sky Sports (if the footie is on). You may get the odd good film cropping up on the movie channels, but most of the are straight to video flicks (unless I just watch it at the wrong time). At the moment I am listening to one of the radio stations called 'Chill', its calming my anger down to which I am directing to the state of broadcasting today.

Don't get me started on terrestrial television.

Or HD TV, which is obviously going to be a big scam to make you buy a new TV for a grand.

I can really see my Grandma being interested in HDTV, wow, you get a slightly better picture, she probably did'nt even have a TV when she was my age. I might do that, just not have a TV in my house, and concentrate my mind on music / reading / research. Maybe I could get one of those fake display TV's that they have in IKEA, then at least people won't think I'm a pauper.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006


I'm so reliable with this blog, I feel I should be on the Queen's honours list for my service to consistent updating. Matthew Phoneboy Jagger MBE, sounds good to me. I wouldn't want to be a Sir, because I would feel like a teacher with people calling me that all the time, plus although Bob Geldof is not technically a Sir because he isn't a member of the Commonwealth Realm, he did get an honourary Knighthood, and people refer to him in this way, and I really don't want to have the same title as the guy who thinks he can single handidly save the World.

I've been going to the gym quite often of late, and I do feel a lot better for it. I think it make you mentally quicker as well, I don't feel so much like a retard anymore. There is also the rewarding factor of after having a good sweaty work out, you can go and deservedly relax in the sauna / steam room / jacuzzi and maybe have a swim if you really want to push the boat out. The thing is I go with Margerrison, and we have a good laugh whilst working out, but because of his persistent Athlete's Foot problem he rightly won't enter the pool due to fear of passing this nasty contagious disease on. I want him to sort it out so I'm not so bored when in 'chill out' mode, however I feel that he actually enjoys having this skin complaint as he always bangs on about 'satisfying scratching'. Big Dirty Boy.

Hopefully I will get my car window fixed today as well! Since the scumbags smashed it, I have had a window in there, unfortunately it only comes down about half an inch and goes up over the door frame, brilliant. Makes it difficult smoking in the car.

The house situation is still going through, although its taking ages, starting to piss me off now as the process is really slowing down, and its the fault of the people on my side. If they pulled their fingers out of their arses it would be all go.

Righty ho, I'm off to the gym in a moment.


Tuesday, February 21, 2006


How rubbish is the traffic in Sheffield? For a start its always gridlocked at anytime of the day, and then if you get stuck behind a tram its the most annoying thing ever. They don't pull in, they are slow, you can't get past them, and your car slides all over the road as you try and dodge the tram lines.


I think after I went to the gym, my left leg had an even more thorough work out by using the clutch constantly.

Got a new telephone number for the show as well, its called the 'Loud Line'. Basically, you call it up and leave a message, whatever you want, and we play them out on the show...the number is 0114 209 1200.

Lovely stuff.

Monday, February 20, 2006


I'm feeling a tad rough today, and yes it is totally self inflicted. I'm doing the Sunday afternoon show, instead of evenings for the next few weeks, so i took full advantage of the situation by going for some refreshing beverages with the boys last night. I think I had too many. My dad was awake when I got back home and he would'nt go to bed until I did. I think it was because I was adamant that I was going to make a curry from scratch, whereas he pointed out that I was struggling to stand up without help, never mind become a gourmet chef. I thought I was ok, I managed to get home safely, and I did'nt lose anything out of my pockets. I decided to go to bed in the end.

Went to the gym today with my good friend Matt Mackay. We decided against a full body work out, and instead opted for a gentle swim and refreshing sauna. Breaking ourselves in slowly you see.

Started a new feature on the show as well, its called ha ha ha he he he-mails. Basically, if you have a pest asking for your contact details, either at work / college / uni / school / on a night out etc. Then give them this email address, fobbing it off as your own, and as they think they are e-mailing you, they aren't, they are emailing me, and i shall read them out live on air, embarassing people who think they have pulled. The address is: -

Peace out.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

11 Days

Hit me across the face with a rusty frying pan. I am so slack with this blog. I really do have the intentions of updating this river of mumblings, but then I normally end up in the pub, putting my hard earned money into fruit machines and Erotic Spot The Difference (thats a great pub quiz game, and I am top of the leader board, very proud).

I have been feeling quite ill actually, I think its a bout of the flu, hopefully not that of the bird kind.

I really must go home now, so I shall update this this tommorrow (thats loosely tommorrow), I have to go to the pub, the Erotic Spot The Difference machine is calling me, and woah betide anyboy trying to beat my score of over 300,000 points*.

*I have actually been playing as part of a team when we have been getting high scores, however, I put the money in, so I'm taking the credit.